How to Honour Yourself Whilst Caring for Others

Sometimes life gives us the very lesson we need to hear.

This episode was inspired by something I experienced over the weekend that had me reflecting on how easily we can put ourselves last when we're caring for the people we love.

As empaths and deeply sensitive people, we can be so attuned to the needs, emotions and wellbeing of others that we don't always notice when we're moving away from ourselves.

But caring for others doesn't mean abandoning yourself.

So today, I want to explore what it means to honour yourself whilst caring for others; and why making space for your own needs isn't selfish, it's an act of self-respect and self-care.

Thank you for joining me for this conversation.

My hope is that through each episode, you feel a little more seen, a little more understood, and a little more connected to yourself.

If you'd like to continue the conversation, I invite you to join my newsletter, where we explore life's questions, challenges, and moments of growth together.

Until we meet again, be gentle with yourself, trust your journey, and remember: to feel safe is to heal.

Transcript

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SPEAKER_00 0:02

You are listening to the Thrive with Nicole podcast, a place to explore the depths of you through spirituality, healing, and empowerment. A little about me, your host. My name is Nicole Ikens, and the best words to describe me are quiet, introverted, empathic, nurturing, and highly sensitive. And as a holistic counsellor, I am deeply passionate about spiritual, mental, and emotional well-being. So pop on those headphones as I take them connected.

SPEAKER_01 0:42

This is a question that I asked myself over the weekend. And I just feel called to really share this with you today because I think it's an important thing. Because highly sensitive women, we tend to look outside of ourselves more than looking within ourselves, don't we? So we spend the majority of our time caring for other people, looking for other people, um, really feeling, I guess, what other people are feeling. So I thought it was an important question for us to start to ask ourselves. So I'm going to share a little story with you about how this came into my awareness over this past weekend. So, as many of you would know, that I am a mum to two adult daughters, Gabby and Grace. So Gabby is 24 and Grace is 21. Now I'm also Gabby's full-time carer because she has epilepsy, autism, and a few other um diagnoses that I don't need to go into. But just to give you an idea of you know where this started. So the home that we live in, it is um a four-bedroom home. One of those bedrooms is used as my home office. Now, for a while I've noticed um in her room that she has seemed a little cramped, and the design of the room isn't great. So it has, you know, the built-in wardrobe, but that built-in wardrobe comes out from the wall, so it's not flush against the wall, so it takes up quite a bit of unnecessary space. You know, I've been thinking of different ways to help her. Like, do I need to invest in some new furniture for her, maybe some simline furniture that would just give her that extra space that she needs. Because, you know, she's at home a lot of the time. So, like I said, I care for her 24-7, so she spends a good amount of time, you know, in her bedroom. So for me, I was like, that needs to be a comfortable space for her and a space that is spacious, that she can feel you know comfortable in there, she can do the things that she likes to do. So, you know, I thought, oh, maybe I could buy some new furniture. You know, I've rearranged her room countless times trying to get the right setup that would give her that room. And then all of a sudden it kind of came to me, I was like, well, what if I swapped with her? You know, I have, like I said, one of the bedrooms is my home office. What if I swap with her? Because that room is set up a lot better. The um the cupboards are flush against the wall, so it doesn't take up any additional space. So I thought, well, maybe I could do that. So then I could move my office into her bedroom, and then she could have where it used to be my home office. But I stopped myself for a second before I made the decision, before I shared that with her. Because for so many years, as a mum and as a wife, as a carer for her, I have always put them first and not really even thought about myself. It would have just been, well, this is better for her, so let's just do that, right? So I really stopped myself and thought, but is this honouring me too? So I really sat with that for a while, thinking about her and her needs, but also thinking about me and my needs. And I think that's an important distinction because how many times do we just go ahead and help other people without stopping to say, is this honouring me? Because you know, we might have people asking us to do things for them, and our initial reaction might be, yes, of course, without stopping to consider ourselves first. And it will feel foreign, but it is uh behavior, it is something that we can change and adjust to um in our life. We don't have to always be really, you know, taking a backseat if you like, having our needs not met, having our health affected, because we're always looking outside of ourselves, we're always doing what's right for everyone else first, and we're getting the crumbs that are left behind. You know, if you've been with me for a while, you'll also know that I have fibromyalgia. Where do we think that has come from? You know, fibromyalgia is a pain disorder, but it is connected to the nervous system. So over all of the years, even as a kid, it was always l making sure other people came first, other people's needs came first. So when this came up into my awareness, I was like, I need to look at this from a different way. I need to change this pattern and change this behavior, which is exactly what I did. So I stopped and I thought, okay, yes, this is great for her, this is what she needs, but what will that do to me? But is this gonna honor me within this as well? That's what I really needed to look at. And when I really sat down with her, I thought, well, I think I can honor myself within this too. I think I can give her what she needs, but also honor myself and not feel like, you know, I am, you know, leaving myself behind and not um really honouring, you know, my own needs. So that was a really important distinction that I had to come up with. So when I really sat and thought about it, I thought, well, my home office, it doesn't have a bed, obviously. It doesn't need that extra space. I've just got, you know, my desk and my angel statues and things like that. Um, like I can be in her room quite easily and quite comfortably. And then what I did too was I really looked at, because I'm very big into feng shui, I've feng shuied our homes for years, and I found that's very supportive of my energy. So I really looked at it, and it turned out that where this room is now, it's at the back of the house, it's actually in a much better uh feng shui position than where I was previously. So I thought, well, actually, okay, this is good for me. This is something that is going to um help me. And what I realized too is that because where I was before was at the front of the house and it was right near the kitchen, and also right near where my husband works, because he works from home as well. So even recording the podcast, I had to really negotiate the times around when I could do it. Um, because you know, obviously he's working in his space, he has a lot of meetings on the phone a lot, so there is obviously that background noise, so I have to really negotiate when I can do that. And sometimes, you know, I'd be recording the podcast, you know, really late at night when everyone was in bed. So all of a sudden it dawned on me that if I'm in this other room at the back of the house, I'm away from everybody. I'm away from where he's working. My daughter's at the front of the house near where he is, I'm away from the kitchen, all of those noises. And I realize that it actually would open up things for me. So, you know, I'm sitting here now, and this is, you know, Monday morning at 11 a.m. He's working, and I'm able to do this now in a better time today, if you like. But also, I will be able to do more nighttime appointments with clients because before it was hard, I had to negotiate it around, you know, certain times. Obviously, you know, if them making dinner in the kitchen, my daughter, other daughter coming home from work, all of that, I had to negotiate that around to make sure that there wasn't any of that background distraction noise that would affect um my clients. So all of a sudden I start to realize, you know, I've asked myself this question, how can I honor myself in this as well? And all of a sudden I realized this is actually good for me too. So I wasn't, you know, giving up everything that was mine to, you know, serve my daughter, to give her what she needed. I was actually serving myself within this as well. So I really started to understand that if we can ask ourselves that question, then yes, we can start to honor ourselves within our role when we are looking after our loved ones, being very caring, kind, friendly to those around us without really giving up, you know, our identity, if you like, giving up on our needs and feeling like there just isn't enough time. It really comes down to that behavior. It comes down to us saying, Yes, I deserve more. I deserve more than crumbs. And if you're anything like me, over the years, you've been satisfied with crumbs. But it's time to start to say, you know what, crumbs is not enough for me anymore. I deserve more. I am gonna honor myself, I am gonna honor my needs, and we're gonna make sure that everyone is getting what they need. Now, obviously, in every situation that may not be possible, there's going to be times, especially as I said, as a carer, there are times where she needs me to help her with things, you know, take her to her neurologist appointments, things like that. Obviously, that is just about her, that's not about me. But then there's times where it is about me, you know, and just really ensuring that I take that time. For example, there's another doctor that I take her to, he's also my doctor, you know, and there's been times where our appointments have lined up, so we go at the same time. I did that one time, I won't do that again, because the focus is more on her than is on me, and that's not fair. So I go, okay, well, this time is for her, and my appointment say is next week, then that time is purely just for me. Because you know, as very caring and sensitive people, we we're just always going to be looking for what the other person needs more than we look for what we need. So it's really looking at that within your life. How can you start to adjust that? How can you start to ask yourself that question? How can I honour myself within this situation? But like I said, it may not be in that moment, but make sure there is a moment coming up not long after that, that then is just about you. So I really hope that that has given you some inspiration to really start to think about your own needs. Because if we don't know what our needs are, how can we ask them of other people? How can we expect other people to be meeting our needs if one, we don't know what they are to begin with, and two, that we're not asking for those needs. So that can be your homework this week. So really sit down and start to think about if I had all the time in the world, if I didn't have to do this for this person, that person, and that person, what is it that I would do for myself? Or what is it that I would like someone to do for me? So that is your homework for this week. I trust that this has served you, and I look forward to connecting with you soon. Would you like to get started with EFT tapping? Download my free EFT guide, a pocket guide to tapping on the go and three bonus tapping scripts. Tapping for worry, tapping for overwhelm, and tapping for self sabotage. Sign up today. The link is in the show notes. And you can connect with me on all the socials at Nicole Ivans Holistic Counseling. Or to learn more about working with me privately, visit my website Nicole Ivans.com.