What is Living Grief?

What is Living Grief?

In this episode of Thrive with Nicole, I continue my grief series by exploring the often-overlooked experience of living grief.

Through personal stories and reflections from my own journey, I share what it means to live with grief that doesn't always have a clear beginning or end. I discuss how the well-known stages of grief can show up within living grief, often in ways we may not recognise, and how these experiences can impact our emotions, relationships, sense of self, and everyday life.

This episode is an invitation to gently reflect on your own experiences and consider where living grief may have shown up in your life. Whether you're navigating loss, change, unmet expectations, chronic challenges, or life transitions, my hope is that this conversation helps you feel seen, understood, and less alone.

At the end of the episode, I also share an invitation to join Heart to Heart with Nicole; my advice and reflection column where we explore life's challenges together, one heartfelt conversation at a time.

If this episode resonates with you, I encourage you to subscribe, leave a review, and share it with someone who may need this message today.

Thank you for joining me for this conversation.

My hope is that through each episode, you feel a little more seen, a little more understood, and a little more connected to yourself.

If you'd like to continue the conversation, I invite you to join my newsletter, where we explore life's questions, challenges, and moments of growth together.

Until we meet again, be gentle with yourself, trust your journey, and remember: to feel safe is to heal.

Transcript

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SPEAKER_00 0:02

You are listening to the Thrive with Nicole podcast, a place to explore the depths of you through spirituality, healing, and empowerment. A little about me, your host. My name is Nicole Ikens, and the best words to describe me are quiet, introverted, empathic, nurturing, and highly sensitive. And as a holistic counsellor, I am deeply passionate about spiritual, mental, and emotional well-being. So pop on those headphones as I take in connected.

SPEAKER_01 0:39

In this episode, we're going to continue our series all about grief. So have you heard the term living grief? Now, for me, this was something that I learned many years ago, but it was even before I got into my studies to be a professional counsellor, before I did my studies in AFT tapping. But it was for me, learning about this term and what it means really was a turning point for me. So I really wanted to share with you in this episode some personal experiences that I have of living grief to really help you to then look at mine and think, you know, what experiences have you had in your life of living grief as well? So living grief is the pain that you experience for something you have to let go of before you feel ready. Now grief can feel like something that you know we only experience with the loss of a loved one, but it goes so much deeper than that. Grief is the loss of anything or anyone that was of great importance to you, such as a friendship, a relationship, um, a job, a home, an opportunity, and many, many more. And in this episode, I really want to talk to you, like I mentioned earlier, about living grief and about you know what I've experienced personally many times. So as I share these with you, I'd love you just to really sit with what I'm saying and really feel into what have you experienced um in your life. So I'm gonna start out with my experience with living grief from our daughter's diagnosis with epilepsy. So that was, I would say, my first experience with living grief. And you know, it really has been an imperative part um of my healing journey when she was diagnosed with epilepsy at the age of 13 years old. Um, my daughter Gabby, she is now 24, so it's been a little while, but I still remember it vividly, feeling like my whole world had just been turned upside down. You know, I was driving home from the hospital after her first tonic clinic seizure and talking to my mum on the phone, and I remember saying, I can't have a child with epilepsy. You know, and I can still feel that in my body right now. So, you know, my body and my nervous system has been carrying that. But the raw truth was I did, and I do have a child with epilepsy. But at the time, just the thought of what that meant for me as her mum was unbearable. There was just so much that had to happen with her new diagnosis. All the physical steps we had to put in place to keep her safe and learn how to care for her with her seizures had to come first. Now, I have written about this um years ago, so I do have a blog article on my website if you want to learn more about that. Um, I'll put a link in the um the description here for you in the show notes. Um, and the article is called The Day Our Life Changed. But for this episode, I just wanted to share with you about the side of it that was focused on living grief. So we had received her diagnosis, and now it was time to incorporate it into a new life. And yes, it was like a new life for us pre-diagnosis and post-diagnosis. And there was this day where I was at my daughter's psycho um psychologist appointment and she mentioned about grieving and I remember saying, What do you mean? She is still with us. So that is the day when I first learned about living grief, and I have to tell you, it really was a big turning point for me. You know, I realized that our life pre-diagnosis was gone. And whilst I was accepting um of our new life and my daughter's diagnosis, I had not processed or healed the grief that comes along with this type of experience. And the grief for me was grieving for the life I thought she would have. Because you know, as a parent, you have these dreams for your children's lives, right? And I was also grieving for the life I thought that I would have. So if we think about the traditional description for grief, she didn't die, she's still with us. So that traditional idea doesn't fit here, but living grief does. Yes, she is still with us, but her life has changed completely and a lot has been lost for both her and I. You know, she really lost her innocence. And all of a sudden the world felt very scary to her, literally overnight. Going out with her friends was so frightening for her. Going to school was scary. People started to look at her differently, treat her differently, and that took so much from her. And she had to learn at a very young age that these are the times where you see the truth of people. And unfortunately, she's also experienced so much discrimination, both at school and in society, in her very short life. So she has experienced a lot of living grief in having to give up on dreams she once had for her life. And for her dad and I, we also lost a lot. It took a toll on our finances as I was unable to work, and I became her full-time carer as I still am to this day. You know, I had to sell my previous business that I had. I'd built that business from scratch into a very successful company. And whilst it turned out to be a blessing in disguise, at the time it felt like a very big loss. So, in this example, you know, living grief I guess was healing and releasing the life we had prior to her diagnosis and accepting the new life that was ahead of us. And for me, this was a big turning point in my emotional well-being. It really allowed me to let go and release so much with EFT tapping and gave me the freedom to be able to move forward. So, as I share that experience with you, I want you just to sit with that and think about that. And in your life, have you had a similar experience where you've had that happen, where your life has just changed completely? Like for us, it was pre-diagnosis, post-diagnosis. So thinking about that in your own life, whether it's about yourself, whether it's about a family member, um, it could be a parent, a child, even a friend. Have you seen that happen within your life? So have a think about that as I share a second personal experience with you. So this one is living grief in healing my diagnosis of fibromyalgia. So in this example, it's more recent. So I'm going to share with you that the process that I've been through recently in being diagnosed with fibromyalgia and having to take a break from my work as a counselor and energy healer. As I mentioned in the previous episode, you'll notice that I had been missing for a little while, and this is why. So as a full-time carer to my daughter and a carer for my elderly parents as well, I already had a lot on my plate. But my work as a counselor and an energy healer, that was just for me. That wasn't for anyone else, that was for me. So it was something that was very hard to walk away from. But unfortunately, my symptoms just continued to get worse and worse until I had to accept that I needed to what I thought at the time was walking away from my soul work for good. So I closed my business down and I was left with what felt like nothing for me. I still had my caring duties, of course, but I had attached a lot of my personality and worth to my soul work. And interesting enough, within that, I remember at the time as I was going through that recently, it really felt so similar to what had happened when my daughter was diagnosed. I had to close that business down as well. So there was a lot of layers there that I had to heal through. And I talk about this with my private clients all the time, that if we're reacting to something in the present, and it may seem over the top, it may seem exaggerated. The reason for that is we're not just reacting to this layer right now, to what's right in front of us, we're reacting to something that's happened in the past. So this felt very similar for me. I'd already had to close down one business. Um, and here I was having to do it again. So there was a lot that was coming up for me during that time that I really had to move through, um, that I had to heal through as well. So as I went through this process, I had to let go enough for my healing to begin and to go through living grief of my work that meant so much to me. You know, there were so many emotions that surfed around this, you know, including feeling like I had abandoned my clients and any future clients that were in need. So I was dealing with that layer as well. But I also knew that without taking this time for myself to heal, I would be no good to anyone else. And that's also something that I have told all my clients over the past 10 years, that they need to be taking the time, giving themselves the time and space to care for themselves, to be able to continue to be the beautiful, nurturing, caring person that they are. So I had to take my own medicine, my own advice, right? Not always easy, of course. So, you know, I took the time. Each and every day, I just allowed the feelings to surface and released them with love. And during this time, I was also working on the healing of my fibromyalgia. Because as an energy healer, I know it is connected to trauma. And that is the trauma that I've experienced with my medical marvels, aka my two daughters. So, you know, in this episode, we're talking about my oldest daughter, Gabby, with a diagnosis with um epilepsy, but also I have a younger daughter, Grace. Uh, she's 21. But when she was the young age of nine, we she was critically ill and we nearly lost her due to very critically low sodium levels. So we can see there's a lot of trauma that I've been through as a mum that I've been holding on to. And my nervous system and my body was just like, enough is enough. We need to stop. And that was what, you know, I had to do. So healing of my nervous system was something I also dedicated time to every day. And through that, I was able to release what we call stored survival stress or aka trauma that my poor body and nervous system had been holding, as I was just mentioning. So it really needed that time for me to really start to do some of the healing. But the nervous system needs to feel safe before it's going to let go of anything. So it needed that dedicated time and that dedicated space for that to absolutely um start to happen. Now, can I say that I am 100% healed from my fibromyalgia? No, I can't. Is it profoundly better? Absolutely. But it reminds me of something that our daughter's neurologist told us one day. Epilepsy is a nasty monster that can lay dormant and then surface when you aren't watching. Now, fibromyalgia feels similar to me. I can support my body and my nervous system, but if I stop doing all the things, then it too can rear its ugly head and it has. Now, as I say to my clients, healing is not linear, it is a spiral. It doesn't mean I have gone backwards, it means I'm going deeper. Now I've had this conversation many times with clients over the years, you know, and they'll be feeling really great and doing really well, and then you know they'll come back and they're like, I don't know what's going on, but I I just I don't feel good anymore. I feel like I've gone backwards. So we will have that hard discussion of, okay, tell me what daily rituals have you been doing since I saw you last? And dead silence. And I know what dead silence means. It means those things have dropped off, they've gone by the wayside, and I get it. Life is life, life gets busy, and as a caring and nurturing person, a lot of the time my clients are doing things for everyone else, and their needs go by the wayside. And you see, like their mind kind of tick over, and all of a sudden it's like a light bulb moment. Uh-huh. I get it. I see why I'm feeling the way that I am. So I haven't necessarily gone backwards. There's just these things that I need to be doing on a regular basis. Daddy rituals, as I mentioned, to make sure that we're taking care of ourselves in mind, body, and spirit. I'm going to add nervous systems to that as well. These are things that we need to be doing on a regular basis. It's not a one and done situation. Like I mentioned, healing is linear. It it sorry, healing is not linear, it is a spiral. So we're always on that path. We're always on that healing path. Whilst we don't have to be doing deep healing all of the time, it is important that we are taking care of ourselves in mind, body, spirit, and nervous system. So, you know, in this example of living grief, it was about letting go of everything that I had thought that I wanted in my professional life. I had all these ideas of how things should look and what should happen, but all my nervous system wanted was for me to stop and turn inward and truly see, feel, and heal my pain. It just couldn't carry it any longer. Because, you know, my nervous system and my body had been carrying so much for so long and really needed me to stop and truly um honor myself. And in this healing process, I was able to honor my nervous system, my body and my spirit, and truly see that my worth, whilst not attached to any external stimuli. Because I think that can be hard, especially in today's world, you know, with social media and all those sort of things, everything's online. It can be hard sometimes for us to go, well, am I really worthy if I'm not doing A, B, and C? If I'm not helping people all the time, where is my worth? But we need to understand, this is something that I learnt through my own process, my own healing process, is that our we are innately worthy no matter what. If you do nothing, you are still innately worthy. It's not attached to any external stimuli. And I think that's a really important thing to understand, to really bring that as in as a belief that you feel on a body level, really feel into that. My worth is not attached to any external stimuli. And that can be a great affirmation, if you like, to say to yourself on a daily basis. And if you find when you're saying that my worth is not attached to any external stimuli, and you notice any activation within your body, then I want you to be tapping as you're saying that affirmation that's really going to help to settle the body, settle the nervous system, and allow you to start to truly believe that over time. So, you know, I've experienced so much healing, not just through my nervous system, but my mental health and my physical health as well. You know, it all needed my attention. I just couldn't see the forest for the trees. So over the period of time that I've been gone, you know, my body has released, I think, maybe 16, 17 kilos in that time because I've given my body the time, my mind, physical health, mental health, spiritual health, all within that time. It's all connected and we need to remember that. Because, you know, it can be so easy to focus our attention on others, but when it comes to our own needs, it is not so easy to focus inward. Now, is it? We can easily, as empaths, we can easily focus on everyone else. We can do that with our eyes closed, right? Asking us to do that for ourselves, not so easy. But what this process has taught me is that being a caring and nurturing soul doesn't mean that it has to be at my own detriment. I too get to feel cared for and nurtured both by myself and others. So I'd like you to sit with that as well. How does that feel in the body when I say that? I too get to feel cared for and nurtured both by myself and others. Again, if we're getting any activation using tapping to really calm the body, calm the nervous system when we're starting to turn inward to say that we too deserve care and nurture. So as I let go of the control of what I thought it should all look like, it made space for so much more to enter. And it was a reminder that I don't have to use my personal energy to care for others. I can tap into the universal energy field and call in my angels and God to support me to support others. And that for me has been a very powerful shift. So, how can you start to process, heal, and feel living grief? So, as you you can see, really, you know, there are many examples of living grief, and it is different for each person. But another example has just come to mind as we're talking about this, and that is, you know, when caring for elderly parents as I do. When they are unwell, you can experience living grief. They are still with you, but you know, in the near future you'll be experiencing their loss. So that's just another short example of that as well. So, really, what comes to mind for you after listening to these examples? What are you thinking of in your life? Experiences that you've been, you're like, Yeah, wow, that that that was living grief. Because there will be times in your life where you have experienced living grief, whether you knew it or not, and you may still be experiencing that right now. And an important step is to give yourself grace. Allow yourself the time and space to grieve. Now you may find yourself going through the traditional stages of grief by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, which is denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. So, what would those stages of grief look like in living grief? Now, in a further episode, I will delve further into these five steps, uh, five stages, but for right now, let's have a look at what they would look like in living grief. So denial could look like you're arguing with yourself about your feelings. I am not allowed to feel this way. And anger could look like you being frustrated with yourself and being angry that you even feel that way. Bargaining could look like you're saying things like, I'm fine, this is no big deal, I don't have the right to feel this way. Depression could show up in ways that cause you to have no energy, no get up and go, and that can be directly correlated to ignoring your feelings. And acceptance, this is where you finally give yourself the grace as I talked about earlier, and acknowledge that your feelings are valid and giving your feelings and emotions the time and space to be felt and healed. Something that you know I've always shared, both with my daughters and my private clients alike, is your feelings are to be honored. You are experiencing them for a reason, and no matter how trivial you might think they are, you are allowed to feel them. I really hope this episode has served to really lead the way for you into understanding what living grief is and acting as permission for you to feel and give yourself the time and space you deserve. Before we finish today's episode, I'd love to invite you to join me over at Heart to Heart with Nicole. Heart to Heart is my advice and reflection column created especially for sensitive and empathic women. It's a space where you can submit your questions and receive gentle guidance, insights, and reflections on the challenges and experiences you've navigated. Whether you're seeking support with boundaries, relationships, support your feelings. Because the question you're coming is the very same question someone else can take it to. If you'd like to receive a question, submit a question and stay connected with supportive content updates, you can join through the link in the show notes. Thank you for spending this time with me today. Until next time, be gentle with yourself, trust your inner wisdom, and remember your safe is to heal.